Wow.
That's about the best way to sum up these last few weeks. I have a lot piling up in my brain and I'm a little behind in sorting it all out. I knew that going to med school was going to be intense, and I'm not surprised in the least. I'm just amazed at how many different avenues of information we are receiving things from.
I am excited, still a little scared, a little intimidated, a lot determined, and there are some emotional waves that are always on standby. My biggest cliff at the moment is thinking I can't get through med school being a solo flying momma. I've already had to miss a day of class and missed a class most recently due to Little's health needs. I know it will pass but I feel like a lineman out on the football field, always ready to take a hit. I am always my own worst enemy. My smaller cliff is my body.
Case and point: I did some serious damage to my sacrum (coccyx in particular) giving birth to Little and damage to my cervical and lumbar spine in my younger and more dare devil days. In short, I mangle my spine and have yet to address it since Little was born, she became primary concern and I'm learning and feeling that it wasn't such a good thing.
Moving on.
I haven't been able get the exercise I need without being down for 2 days writhing in pain. So, I've laid low. Meaning, I've put on weight that I'm not excited about. Like in massage school, we will all be showing of our "squishy bits" in order to learn where points are in the body as well as every landmark, muscle, tuberosity, process, fossa, bone, and anything there is that we can palpate (feel). In short, I will be next to naked in this learning process and it brings up a lot of emotions. I want to learn more than anything and this includes learning that just because I'm not the size I used to be, doesn't mean I am that kid that needs to each my lunch in the bathroom...though I feel it. I am in school with some beautiful souls and I feel like the girl in gym class who just wears her gym clothes over her regular clothes.
Also, my stomach has been a sacred thing between me and Little. She did her best growing in that area, stretched it out nice and good, and returns to that place when she needs comfort. There have been plenty of nights where we have both fallen asleep with her face nestled in my belly and me humming our song.
Will this sacred area still have the same meaning when all of my classmates have had a chance to palpate it, see it, and analyze it? Will they understand the events surrounding this belly and what it has accomplished? Will they understand that every time I think about having to take my shirt off in the name of education, I want to cry?
I look at other bodies and I see a beauty in the human world, anomalies. These magnificent systems that encase functioning parts that don't need conscious direction, as well as souls that have opinions and concerns. And, bodies that have pain. In massage school, I learned that I have a LOVE for the human body and the eternal need to ease any pain and suffering, physical or not.
I don't doubt that my classmates may feel that same thing. I have made some magnificent friends already and know that even when we may not agree, we will have a bond. I learned this from massage school and that when someone is lost, we ALL mourn. And when someone is happy, we are ALL in celebration. I know without a doubt that we will form these bonds, it's just still so new.
That said, it doesn't ease my fear of being judged. You'd think after so many years of people forming a preconceived notion about me that I'd be able to brush it off. Being a single mom, I have been faced with some of the worst judgments. I still have some of the most sensitive feelers...third to my mom and brother though I know they might argue that. I will do my best to let my education take the lead and my insecurities fall behind as best I can. I am learning some magnificent things that are far beyond what I expected so I'm not about to jump ship for a fear that is ridiculous.
On a learning note, I want to share a couple things I've learned so far:
1. I will now be switching my terminology from TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) to East Asian Medicine. Why? Because what we are learning doesn't just come from China. It also comes from Korea, Japan, and places categorized as Asia. And Acupuncture will be a part of what I do, however, will not be the only thing or even the biggest part, it will be in addition to education and many other modalities I learn that aren't just from China.
2. My education will be my best healing tool. Educating my patients and anyone who wants to listen will be my greatest tool in the mission of healing the planet, one body at a time. Education belongs to the patients as well as the practitioner.
3. There are points on the body that will be uncomfortable to learn...and are already on the list of points I probably won't use acupuncture needles with. However, I learned a bit of acupressure in massage school and that seems like a fair trade should that point really need to be addressed.
4. The Herbal Dispensory (comparable to Biomedical Pharmacies) at school is a magical place that my hands and mind are jumping for joy to be in.
5. My days of zoning out to movies are done. One or two movies a weekend maybe, but I just don't have time to waste. And the movies I have watched were usually with a stack of flash cards in hand.
6. When taking the practical part of an exam (finding
points in a
meridian), I cannot second guess myself nor can I rush.
7. Practice makes
perfect a good practitioner and student. I'm learning to get better at this.
8. It's time to break down my walls and allow people to join me and Little on our mountain, it's the only way I'm going to get through this.
9. My recent dealings with a MD made me sad and a little angry. I am determined to help bridge the gap between "Eastern" and "Western" medicine. There doesn't have to be just one or the other and we are supposed to be enemies. There needs to be a joint front in helping people be, get, and stay healthy. Divided fronts encourage illness.
10. Little is the most encouraging little person I've ever known and I would not have crossed this path without her. If there is a way to carry her across that podium with me when I finish this leg of the journey, I will.
What are some words or thoughts that come to mind when you hear Acupuncture?
